29th June – 3rd July 2019
Until July 2017, most of the human population outside the Mid-West USA had no idea that a place called ‘The Ozarks’ even existed. This was when Netflix released the first TV series of ‘Ozark’, and suddenly this sprawling, narrow lake complex formed by the Bagnell dam and spanning the four states of Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma and Kansas, was thrust into the international consciousness. Marty Byrde (Jason Bateman) and family arrive out of season to a sleepy, hick lakeside town ostensibly near Osage Beach, Missouri and, well you either know the rest, or you don’t. (On closer research it disappointingly transpires that none of the filming actually happened here in the Ozarks. It was all shot on lakes near Atlanta, Georgia due to favourable tax breaks.) We decided to add the Ozarks to our journey route. Our original plan to be here for the 4th of July but we hastily re-planned when we realised what an absolutely mad, crazy, bonkers place it becomes during ‘holiday-time’ and there was absolutely no available spaces in any RV parks anyway. We managed to secure a rare spot at a lakeside RV park for 3 nights only, leaving before the big party of July 4th kicked off. The photo below is a stock image of a place called Party Cove. This is the sort of thing that happens in the Ozarks during the 4th of July celebration week. Oh, the horror!
We finally parted company with our old friend, the US 50 and, Ozark-bound, we had a one night stop at a park in Clinton, Missouri. It was mostly occupied by long term and seasonal inhabitants and near another large, overflowing recreational lake. The park had a small pool, which was a godsend given the relentless heat. As a completely irrelevant aside, the owner had a very cute puppy: a Bernadoodle. A poodle-Bernese Mountain Dog cross. (Look it up, Mrs J!) On our way to the Ozarks from here we took a very justified 20 minute detour to call into a recommended cheese shop. We spent a small fortune on a block of 12 yr old cheddar, which was worth every cent. It’s like a bar of ‘cheese-gold’ and very, very delicious.
We approached The Ozarks via a winding and undulating, narrow and quiet back road. When we arrived it was, perhaps fairly unsurprisingly, not the quiet sleepy holiday idyl that we had imagined. There was a two lane highway running through each of the built up areas, lined with strip malls, restaurants, apartment complexes and boating services. Whenever we caught a glimpse of the lake we could see that every available inch (2.2 cm…) of shoreline was lined by floating boat docks. This is a serious Vacation Destination, and boating, floating, fishing and being dragged around behind a boat were the recreational activities of choice. Oh, and drinking booze too, obviously. Our camp was out off the fray but we had no plans to off-load Tin Can. We were content to hang out out at our waterfront niche, far from the madding crowd, happy in the knowledge that there was a waterfront bar/restaurant that was only 1.5 miles (2.4km) away. Walkable!
Our camp was on a small cove on the main part of the lake. The lake is long and thin with long, thin adjoining arms, all looking pretty similar. Lake navigation is aided by designated ‘mile markers’ which helps many an otherwise disorientated boater find all the various waterfront restaurants, fuel docks and home. We were at mile marker 3, being three miles from the dam. It goes up to about mile marker 67. There is a lot of lake here. Our camp had some floating docks and we discovered that there were a few boat rental companies that would deliver a boat here. Perhaps we could rent a small boat for a half day to do some exploring? After a few phone calls we changed our minds. We could either hire a small boat for a minimum of 24 hours, at great expense, or a large 14 person capacity pontoon party barge for a half day, at great expense. We settled for a boat-less Ozark experience, swimming off one of the docks in our cove.
Every day, one of the older resident ladies in our camp grabs her floating chair, puts a life jacket on her labrador, and takes it for a swim up the cove. It pulls her along on at the end of its rope and along the way she stops and natters to all her friends who are out on their docks. A perfect solution for how to exercise your dog in the heat! Apparently one day she fell asleep in her chair and the dog towed her all the way out into the main lake. People on the shore saw her and mounted a rescue mission, fearing that she had died. Only in The Ozarks.
We decided to walk to the nearby bar on the first of our three evenings here. The road out of the camp was too steep to cycle. We embarked on the 1.5 mile journey at 6pm. It was still 90 F. By the time we got there we were very hot and thirsty, possibly one of us was a bit grumpy and never before has a bar been so eagerly sighted. It even had its own pool with swim-up bar. If only we had known we would have brought our togs! We found seats at the bar, in the shade, in the stiff breeze of a nearby ‘big ass fan‘ (actual name), with a view of the lake. The beer was cold and we were happy again. Towards the end of the evening, after a few more beers and a tasty dinner, darkness began to fall and we were starting to contemplate our walk home when our bar server let slip that she was off home soon too. Knowing that she would have to drive past our camp, we brazenly asked for a lift and she agreed. Not that we had really left her with any sort of choice.
We otherwise spent a lazy few days floating around in the camp pool, keeping cool. There was not much else to do in the heat. It is sapping, and I’m not sure that I would ever get used to it if we lived somewhere as hot as this. Our Ozarks experience was a bit limited but at least we saw a little slice of it. Disappointingly, that didn’t include bumping into Jason Bateman.
